COLLEGE educated !

As i start to apply for jobs i quickly wonder what the "H E double hockey sticks" am I doing? I relic my brain around all damn day ..... about this job that's going to be so wonderful that I can pay my bills....

Bills exactly that's what I'm working for, BILLS not for a life changing experience not a place of refuge just bills. I remember my first day of college and feeling like this is what I am suppose to do!!! I am a true philosopher(lover of knowledge) and jobs seem to keep me from my love!

signed a frustrated college grad !!!

Your Bejewels are Blinding me

It has been a while....

and I am full. And when I speak of Full I am not intrinsically eluding to the belly. I am Full. Full of the experiences that life love and friendships offer. I am exhausted by the cliches of the world that I experience. I am fully encased in a tomb of consciousness that holds so heavy on my ever waking thoughts. the ability to look into the city lights at night provide seconds for my only seemingly organic refuge. Fully involved in the inner workings of my spiritual quest entitled LOVE. I have grown into a woman who craves Love immensely that I'm sometimes afraid of. Some are offended by my resistance to the religious sector of spiritual maturity..... My apologies I will offer when love fails me.

I want the courage to express my artistic coward.

I have a false sense of security.. confidence because until I have provided my community with the inter workings of Love I am lost. I am constantly lost.... my mind is crowded. I would never call myself a big dreamer, I'm a realist in most cases, my only relentless and guilty pleasures is that of romantized love. I believe we are all gods and at this time would like to pay homage to a god in my life that helps to encourage me, allows me to vent and be free. I no longer worry about the petty undesirable false treasures of this world because of this very basic and necessary human interaction.

my adventure of the day:

It was like the beginning of a race .... As I floated to consciousness, paced my heart to Black and control my breaths to calm interactions I struggled with my truths and ashamed of poor decisions. I crowded my mind with things that I can mandate to logic. this was all during a brisk mind tormenting experience around Barnes and Nobles today.I became FULL. I called my mentor for the answers and
yes he guided me in a nice direction but the path I'm seeking is still hidden. I have been capitalized in a term minimally understood
EMOTION.

Today is Jan 1, 2010

the pressures of the day begin

things I wanna do in 2010 --- become uniquely defined...sleep on the beach--- try to eat a whole banana ---go to mardi gras--- invent a sound and color called Happy... allow my art to be mine/d

week 2

In The second week here in the Western Part of Cape town, Strand. soooo much has happened. Humble in the fact that Africa has a beauty undeserving of the English language, bastardly I try and cultivate the words to express it. Saturday June 27th I visited the Cape of Good Hope, we walked from the top the mountain which overlooks the cape and through a trail that brings you to mouth of the cape, its trail. The air was light, crispy and ironically full of what only could be described as hope. I walked down to the beach front and touched the Indian Ocean, the waves were huge, and they crashed down with such conviction. The water was warm and blue like nothing I've ever experienced. I saw animals in their most "natural" form. Baboons, penguins, and ostrich stand out most. I’ve eaten at the finest restaurants because the strength of the dollar here in South Africa is amazing. The seafood is vivacious and well seasoned. I never know what I order I just hope for the best. I have eaten some of every type of meat, be it springbok or ox. Laurisa and I got our hair braided and the experience was as it is in any black women's beauty shop; a learning experience. The shop is where I received my first interaction with the post apartheid effects. She was a woman of the Congo, here in S. Africa yet had much to offer about the slowly changing views and oppression inflictied… to be con’t when I have more money for the internet café LOL

Der

Im in love!!!!

just a spoon full of sugar !

in the lab

I have been in S. Africa for a few days now, I am so cold!!! Ive cried on skype with my mom, I've went to a local bar, had so new food and lived without heat in 50 below weather for a week now !!!! overall I feel good!!!

Before!

I leave today !!! I will be in Africa for six weeks, I'm so excited !!!!!

ttyl America.

sport

Enjoyed my day with my Spelman sisters!


While doing hair we were discussing the o so favorite topics of the young woman's mind ... Love and sex, and the following questions were posed that demanded the most attention were : " Can you fall in love with a bad lover?, Would you marry a man without having sex with him? and can u teach a man.. u know?"

my thoughts: OMG women have taken on these "men" roles where we feel like "I gotta try IT before I buy IT"
MIDNIGHT came crashing through,
I read the book Midnight and it provided for such insight into this whole love and sex thing.
The book illustrates a boy becoming a man of Islamic faith facing the trails of American culture. One of the more "unsusal" things in his culture and religion was the fact that it was customary for the people to marry at ages of sixteen or even younger. The reason for this was as his mother eluded was because it allows for the two to grow together. DEEP!!!

I drew from this that Americans have gotten this whole marriage and love thing all fucked up, we teach our youth to soak their wild oats men and women alike. This in turn provides for the images we perpetuate today! Broken homes, single lonely women and men and an overall ailing perception of marriage and trust. Manifesting the idea that if one has waited to marry until they've completed all that we consider necessary, which usually equals a certain finical standing and career advancement, we have lost one of the beautiful things marriage has to offer : growth!!!
I'm no expert I've never been married, but I Think therefore I am and that alone allots for my thoughts

ttyl

Cleva, Orange Moon

Last nights activities included: watching Fox News, reading Malcolm X and listening to Erykah Badu, a sickening combination.

Malcolm X
I received the confirmation that Malcolm is valid in every word and assertion that he makes against these introverted oppressors. I am almost worried that I could get worst. I literally am reading a book that manifests the childhood to adulthood stages I've experience.

" I was trying so hard, in every way I could, to be white. which is why I am spending much of my life today telling the American black Man that he's wasting his time straining to 'integrate.'" -- Malcolm X



Fox News
the topics discussed for an hour and half were about, Jeremiahs Wright ( Obama's former preacher), David Letterman, and miss California losing her title!!!!!!!
This is the bullshit our media chooses to enlighten us about and wonders why the rest of the world views us in such poor light.
The topic of discussion with Mr. Wright was regarding a comment he made suggesting that Pres Obama would not be allowed to speak with him because of "dem Jews." If ya ask me I feel Wright was totally correct in his comment, however we must also recognize that ones feelings do not always have to be publicly broad casted. In hopes of preserving the legacy of Pres. Obama we as a community should do everything we can to uplift his presidential career even if we don't agree whole heartily. Think about it Republicans did it for the last eight years. So my position on the matter, in short, is what he said is correct timing not so much!
The more problematic part is how this TV station presented the issue, they put a reporter of poor articulation and dialog on national TV to speak on an issue of the President, and of course he was Black!!!! The reporter then attempted to ask question in a form that demanded only one answer and some one not trained in the art of answering tough questions would easily fall victim and he did! She then suggested that Obama was RADICAL.... because of his former Spiritual adviser's views and associations!!! gee I'm so disgusted with American Media !!!!!
- the other topics discussed were just embarrassing to watch. This "news" program looked like a bad talk show.


Erykah Badu'
"Mama's Gun" has been on repeat for five days straight!!!! She is hands down the best Artist, MC and Lyricists that ever lived!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and dats on my MAMA's Gun!!!

PS I wish Erykah and Andre 3000 would get bac together!! ;)

WHAT up DC how YA doin?

New post: In an attempt to gain clarity, I've asked the question that needed to be asked. What did I in turn receive, NOTHING. Nothing short of Bullshit.

*don't ask a question u don't wanna hear the answer to.

I'm currently in Washington DC the nations capital. I stepped off the plane received my bags and caught a cab, ( I've never done that from the airport ) so cool! As we drive to the fabulous Omni which is decked in history, I see so many people jogging, jogging everywhere. I mean these people are into it ! It is a beautiful sight! The food has been amazing, new taste and cultures emerged into every restaurant I've visited.

NSF: sitting in on a "JAM" that is dedicated to diversifying the STEM majors and progression. Such a beautiful sight of diversity. I've spoken with individuals well beyond distinction, have been honored to meet and hear keynote speakers of all walks of life with one common goal. Which is described to me in a short phase: Enrichment,Empowerment and Development of the Minority in the STEM.

the lasting quote that will for ever sit with me by a Dr. Parker of New York City College:

"Continue to move pebbles and leave the mountains to GOD. "

new journey: move pebbles and Let God do the rest !!!!!!

Blue Jeans

Good Mornings: I was mid-way in my packing of things for my trip back to Atlanta from My home in Cali. I've been intently watching the movements of the house. Surprisingly, what Ive come to notice is the one most sad by the event is my dog (yappie) she has begun to just sit in my room, lay on my bed, and growl at me for just a simple glance. The unspoken is some of the most genuine things I've experience. I feel nothing but bliss and clam spirits with me... thank you God!!! Contrastingly, I have been fighting with a personal demon called ACCEPTANCE.

*If it ain't broke why fix it ?

*possession is 9/10's of the law

After visiting my cousins last night, a joyous occasion, I sit back and realize I AM BLESSED: The girls (twins) are so fun to be around, they smile with all their might and laugh with such free spirits, something we as adults have to remind ourselves to do.

* she is a bad mama jamma !

After A.T.L comes DC

Jet

I'm to engulfed in my own madness. Fixated on the small things, preoccupied by the little. Forced into poor aspirations that sweep over my person like gusty winds.
The underlining reason for the feelings are all because, "I had a dream" last night that had my eyes full of tears (in the dream). I aint no punk :* . Shortly, after waking my mind wondering if it's really real. I mean, I really invisioned my self in this horrible city, with these horrible events, takin place. It was to much!!!! My biggest insecurity expolited in my "made up reality" deemed a dream.
I now feel as if I have allowed my dream to foreshadow our future. Ive argued with the one involved in my dream. Ive made snippy comments that elude to my fears that have been exposed via my dream.
How does one decipher the difference between what reality and what is a dream?
we are often told to chase our dreams, but if one takes this literally it could end in a deep pool of....
in conversation with another we spoke of how ones own desires blind them from their realities. so are my dreams pigments of my chosen reality ?

tax papers

The journey of a life time is beginning! Life yeah this crazy thing we ride everyday, me with my hand steady on the wheel so afraid of letting go and losing control. yeah, I'm admitting it i'm a control freak (shouts out to LAI).random thoughts: I have so much growing to do. I am on my way to becoming the woman I want my daughter to mirror.

I am very aware of my faults. I push people away that have the potential of doing me well, I love the ass holes way to hard, and am crazy about the people that don't give two shits about my existence.My family is pretty freakin awesome and supportive. My real reason for starting this blog is to keep my mind and heart in line, on track with love and experiences that I encounter be it good or bad. Second day home from my forth year in college. my dog is snoring next to me, my parents are gone, oddly i'm at peace with the stupid decisions i've made recently i'm excited about the opportunities present and feeling extremely blessed to have the people in my life that are about kindred love!!! ... shouts out to SBRT. and the beautiful people i've meet through them. nights in rhodanate LOL idk lovelove = i'm terrified, i'm hopeless, i'm optimistic and so eager t guess u could say its a mixture of : GREEN EYES and I AM READY ! so there is this guy,question: is it possible to love from a distance? answer: love ya bae!

cough drops

Upon waking this morning I hurried and checked all my missed calls from the night b4, and to my surprise ur name was not there. Disappointment at its finest.

Sunday morning I decided to attend church with my fam, A beautiful experience. We celebrated our lives in the house of GOD.

I <3>. Cartoons allow for aimless thoughts as well as hopeful ambitions. Cartoons are reminiscent of childhood.

Surfing thru the ever so popular FACEBOOK, College is the best experience I've had to date!!!!

I love college

rain check

so I'm up late again, one to many naps today which = personal tyme .. hehe.
so im Driving down the 405 after receiving my passport and IT hit me, ironically that song "sometimes love comes around" by keri hilson did too. but the thought that i orginally had is/was, am I doing all that I can?
my mother and father sat with me the other night and simply said ... ur not that well versed in the experience of loving and fighting... meaning I never saw the stuggle that love requires

a tough cookie to bite after believing that I had it all figured out... I had a head rolling, finger poppin tude, like CHILD!! I got this love thang on lock, I'm figuring out what I want and what don't want, HOWEVER hard "IT" may be. HOWEVER, they (my parents) were so RIGHT. I'm a product of a broken home. A home in which no one stuck around and fought. So, every time I get that itch to say emmh this does not "feel" right I must remember: MY only lesson of love, that stands the test of time, is from one of my favorite Movies or something similar.

my take away : love is hard and it hurts... but it also has the power to change!

Experiencing my change with every letter typed:)